These aspects of our personality are called "drivers".

Drivers are messages we pick up from our parents and use as dysfunctional problem-solving strategies as children. We activate them to regain our balance when we feel challenged about our basic OK-ness, but the result can be problematic in the short or long term.

Here is a list of five drivers:
- Be Strong
- Be perfect
- Hurry up
- Please others
- Try hard

Driver: Be Strong
The "Be strong" driver tells us not to show our emotions, instead urging us to be tough and to persevere through difficulties. This can lead to "Be Strongs" performing well in crises, but, conversely, they will often experience problems connecting with their feelings when things get stressful or difficult. That, in turn, can lead to a lack of connection that can manifest as a physical illness or even depression.

Allower: Be Open And Express Your Wants
"Be Strongs" shut out their feelings and drive on regardless of what is happening in their professional or private lives. However, by adhering to the Allower above and inviting their feelings in "Be Strongs" can claim back that lost part of themselves and connect with others more easily. From this, decisions become easier to make, as they are made from a feeling place rather than a thinking place. "Be Strongs" also find it hard to ask for what they want and tend to remove themselves from specific situations to get their needs met. However, by activating the above Allower, a "Be Strong" finds they can ask for what they want and discover that they actually don't have to be alone to get it.

Driver: Be Perfect
"Be Perfects" put tremendous effort into every detail and never relax until everything is...well, perfect. This can be seen most commonly in their work standards, where everything appears to have been completed to an incredibly high standard and comes at a high price. Behind the scenes, "Be Perfects" often languish with anxiety and self-doubt.

Allower: You Are Good Enough
If "Be Perfects" can refrain from self-criticism and complete what they can to a good enough level, it can save them from an overwhelming wave of stress and exhaustion. Many things do not require perfection in their completion. Realising this can be freeing for a "Be Perfect", allowing them to thoroughly enjoy life and relationships instead of constantly engaged in redlining their own engines.

Driver: Please Others
"Please Others" like to keep everyone happy and complacent - but often at their own expense. This is usually because they believe someone will return the favour one day, but this rarely happens, mainly (and unfortunately) due to the company "Please Others" keep. Whilst "Please Others" tend to have many friends and are excellent at looking after their family, they do not get their own needs met, leading to anger and resentment.

Allower: Please Yourself
"Please Others" put other people before themselves and therefore fail to get their own needs met. However, by doing things for themselves and being vocal about what they want, "Please Others" can remove the resentment of being overlooked or taken advantage of. They learn a valuable and life-changing lesson - they will be OK if others are not happy with them. This is a much better situation for all parties as arguments from months of pent-up dissatisfaction and frustration can be avoided.

Driver: Hurry up
The "Hurry Up" driver instructs the owner to do everything fast. "Hurry Ups" run about and hardly have time to unwind. They often eat and jabber, leaving little time to enjoy what they are doing. The common words "Hurry Ups" use: hurry, quick, let's go, no time to...Hurry Ups" can accomplish a lot (though this isn't always the case), but they are frequently exhausted and unable to sit still and take time to recognise the daily moments that bring us joy and seeing what causes that emotion.

Allower: Take Your Time
Slowing things down and taking the time to enjoy things can be highly beneficial for "Hurry Ups". This can be extended to various situations, including driving (resulting in fewer speeding tickets and improved safety) and eating (better digestion and weight loss if the feeling of being full is not ignored).

Driver: Try hard
"Try Hards" try things but always feel like they haven't finished them or become bored and abandon them halfway through. "Try Hards" are irritable and sometimes struggle with activities, feeling as though they have failed.

Allower: Just Do It.
"Try Hards" are susceptible to being caught up in a struggle and flapping about on the periphery rather than getting settled in and finishing tasks. They can teach themselves that they can succeed without doing all of the faffing by simply doing it.

Each of us shows all five of the driver behaviours. However, most people have a favourite driver that they use the most. Some people have two primary drivers that are roughly equal in frequency. It is much less common to come across someone who has an even spread of three or more drivers. And the "Hurry Up" driver seems to turn up most often along with another driver as primary and act as a reinforcer of that primary.

If you have already tried to use allowers instead of drivers, you might have experienced discomfort when denying your driver and following your Allower. It's essential to recognise that this is a feeling, and it will go away with time. Feelings are never permanent.

Some behaviour may be a challenge to change more than others, and you are an intelligent person with endless opportunities for change and growth.

Every single one of us exhibits driver behaviour, and one of the above drivers probably resonates with you over the others. The difficulty with drivers is the discomfort we feel when we start stepping out of this behaviour. In this way, a "Please Others" who stepped out and behaved in a way that displeased those around them will feel some strong negative feelings – including those of fear or sadness. This isn't always appropriate, and it's, therefore, essential to have someone trusted who you can turn to and who can help you step out of your driving behaviour whilst, at the same time, giving you permission to be OK regardless of how you think, feel or behave.

Stepping out of any driver behaviour can be daunting and uncomfortable at the best of times, but the more we do it, the easier it gets and the more happiness we find returning to us.

It's never easy to step out of any driving behaviour. It helps find a good therapist or counsellor who can work with you in identifying the behaviour and where the original message came from. But, thankfully, each time we manage to step out of any driver successfully, new neural pathways are constructed in our brain and, the more we do it, the easier it gets. Take your time!