According to Transactional Analysis creator Eric Berne, people need to organise time and interactions with others in some way.

He reasoned that, like our brain organises sensory information into objects and meaningful categories, we had an intrinsic need to make order out of chaos in relationships. Withdrawal, rituals, pastimes, activities, psychological games, and intimacy are six ways he suggests people structure their time and relationships.

The order in which the potential patterns appear is crucial. As we progress from withdrawal to intimacy, the emotional intensity of our interactions gradually increases. We transition from a lonely and unstimulated condition in withdrawal to a highly charged and emotionally open state when we're intimate with another person.

On the other hand, when we progress from withdrawal to intimacy, the emotional risk escalates. We are emotionally quite safe during withdrawal, and no one can hurt us because we are not in contact with anyone. We expose ourselves to the other and whatever they bring into the interaction, good or bad, when we are intimate with another person. Unfortunately, many of us have to learn how to protect ourselves as children in relationships, which restricts our ability to be emotionally connected as adults.

As a result, we spend less time in close encounters and more time in safer social situations than is perhaps beneficial for us, because our relationships become superficial and devoid of genuine commitment or investment, failing to nourish or stimulate us. We do, however, require time in each of the various social situations: for example, we require time to withdraw and be alone. Alternatively, when we first meet someone new, we may wish to spend some time just "pastiming," either because we don't feel safe with them yet or because we don't want to learn more about them.

Here's some additional information on the different ways it's possible to spend time with people:

Withdrawal

Spending time out of contact or out of a relationship is referred to as withdrawal. Some people will retreat physically and isolate themselves.

Others retreat from the outside world and are physically present but emotionally absent. However, we all need time to be alone and regroup, so some time away from everything and everyone is required for all of us.

Rituals

These interactions are regulated and stylized. A greeting such as "Hello, how are you?" and a response such as "Thanks, very well indeed, and how are you?" is an example of a ritual. Two people are interacting, albeit in a highly regimented and pre-programmed manner.

The benefit of rituals is that they provide us with a lot of structure and security, as well as a method to enter into more intense engagement. On the negative side, they have minimal emotional value: you may say hello to a complete stranger and have little, if any, emotional connection.

Pastimes

This is the level of interaction at a dinner party or a waiting room. We make polite and easy conversation here, and there are culturally agreed-upon themes we may discuss, knowing we won't get into any awkward circumstances with our exchange partners. We might speak about the weather, the food, or your most recent vacation, but you wouldn't start talking about the problems you're having with your partner or mother.

There is a little more of a conversation, but it is still very secure because neither party will bring up any controversial or painful themes. This degree of interaction is appropriate for casual acquaintances and new acquaintances. It may be entertaining for a while, but most people will become tired of it sooner or later.

Activity

Many of us probably spend a lot of time with others in this area. Attending a meeting or playing tennis are examples of "goal focused activity" with others. It is the time we spend with others doing activities rather than simply being with them.

Work can be a source of activity, as can running a household or caring for children at home. It's shared time, and it may entail having a lot of fun, but it could also imply that we're avoiding truly being with and meeting the other.

Psychological Games

This is a complete chapter in itself! In a nutshell, games are a series of interactions with others that have a hidden agenda and conclude with both sides suffering familiar negative emotions.


Games might be viewed as an unsuccessful attempt at intimacy with another individual. However, neither party takes the whole risk of being honest and authentic with the other, and the outcome is a pattern of interacting based on predetermined roles. Games are played out of fear of a real encounter!

Intimacy

This is a genuine meeting with someone else, a shared moment of openness, trust, and honesty. Intimacy refers to being emotionally close to someone rather than sexually close to them (sadly, a lot of sex isn't emotionally intimate). It also does not imply that it is pleasant and calm.

An angry disagreement handled with respect and openness to one's own and the other's feelings (s) can be part of an intimate contact . Intimacy provides us with the highest level of emotional intensity, but it also comes with the greatest risk (one may be rejected or ridiculed if they expose their actual self and be open, which most people would find very unpleasant).

The moments of emotional connection that are so vital to us all are often missing in many of our relationships. Attachment and allowing someone into one's heart and soul is what intimacy entails. It implies that we are enabling the other person to influence and transform us. Lack of shared intimate time is often, if not always, the root of failed partnerships.